Limerence & The LO of “High Value”
Limerence is often triggered most when you begin to see your LO (limerence object or love object) as someone of extraordinarily high value — and you start to devalue yourself. A power dynamic begins to form as you put this magical other person on a pedestal, while you slowly begin to feel less and less empowered. The LO now has a power over you that you can’t seem to control. This often happens during the “crystallization” process - a time when you highlight all of LO’s amazing qualities and realize this is more than a “crush.” Your feelings are stronger and more uncontrollable than you may be prepared for and at the same time, you find you are doubting yourself and your strengths. You may suffer from frequent low self-esteem attacks where you focus in on any of your weaknesses and find reasons why you are “unlovable” while minimizing or rejecting your positive qualities, any achievements and your basic inherent value as a person.
Where this situation differs from healthy love is that you are not approaching the relationship you have with the person as a whole, complete individual (even with flaws). You begin to see this person as better and more worthy than you, that they will somehow elevate and heal you (status wise, self-esteem, etc.) just by attaining their love and attention. You may heighten and hyperfocus on their strengths and abilities. If they have highly developed qualities that you wish you had yourself, this can elevate them further. For instance, if your LO is more extroverted, charismatic and is talented in a way you look up to, you can start to see them as someone “better” than you or “out of your league.”
This could be anything from looks, confidence, age, intelligence, talent, achievements, personality, etc. that triggers you into feeling a sense of powerlessness over their effect on you.
LOs who are aloof or dole out attention and affection sparingly or with mixed signals that keep you guessing or confused can be felt as more “high value” only because love feels harder to get.
You are a person of value — even if you still have parts of yourself you are working on developing and growing. Hopefully, the goal is to keep learning and growing — this is our life’s work! Part of the work of healing limerence is examining the dynamic and the underlying beliefs that you tell yourself that allow you to put another person “above you.” We are much more vulnerable in love and in romantic relationships, and all of us fear rejection and loss, which is why you may be confident in other areas of your life but then find one particular person has the mysterious power to bring you to your knees!
Does this post resonate and you’re feeling ready to finally move on from limerence? My coaching programs are open and I’m running a special summer discount - Grab a sample session and your discount will apply if you decide to sign up for a program this summer.
